Tuesday, 11 December 2007
For A limited Period Only
The pope has today released details of the Vatican’s end of year special offers.
Presumably in an attempt to halt the decline in attendance figures, all Catholics will be given less time in purgatory as long as they visit the shrine at Lourdes. This is a cunning plan , not least because it will rather cleverly boost the coffers of the Church at the same time.
Watch this space for news of further ‘downgrading’ of other sins, such as getting over friendly with choir boys, beating the wife, alcohol abuse, and waging war on other religions.
No one as yet has questioned whether the Pope has the power to grant this concession, which has hitherto been in the hands of the Almighty.
Presumably in an attempt to halt the decline in attendance figures, all Catholics will be given less time in purgatory as long as they visit the shrine at Lourdes. This is a cunning plan , not least because it will rather cleverly boost the coffers of the Church at the same time.
Watch this space for news of further ‘downgrading’ of other sins, such as getting over friendly with choir boys, beating the wife, alcohol abuse, and waging war on other religions.
No one as yet has questioned whether the Pope has the power to grant this concession, which has hitherto been in the hands of the Almighty.
Friday, 7 December 2007
For The Hard Of Understanding - or, who should I arrest?
The recently produced guidelines for police forces across the country, giving them instructions on how to tell whether a person is drunk or not - beg some questions, not least:
What the hell has happened to police training ? or
How well does the average policeman actually know the laws of the land?
as well as:
What other types of criminal behaviour do they need help in spotting‘?
Here are some tips on alcohol abuse and other petty crimes that they are welcome to download in the event that they want to conserve what’s left of tax payers money when it comes to police budgeting.
Drunken Behaviour:- Usually apparent when someone is lying face down, on the pavement, in a pool of his/her own vomit, or swaying wildly whilst flailing his/her tatooed arms about aggressively. It is possible to intervene before all this happens, by going into the bar that they are swaying/lying outside and arresting the person who served them their last drink - it is an offence to serve someone who is swaying, babbling and drooling all at the same time. If the person is only twelve, again, it is possible to arrest the person who served them the alcohol, as it is also an offence to serve someone who is not 18.
Aggressive behaviour :- this is when someone shouts, spits, kicks,or swears at you, for no apparent reason other than that you are wearing a uniform complete with a rather silly helmet. You can arrest them for this. The same applies to teenagers throwing stones at your panda car. When this happens, you are supposed to stop the car, get out and run after them, catch them and yes, arrest them!
Shoplifting :- this is when a person, usually a ‘chav’ a ‘pikey’ or a depressed celebrity, takes items from shop display and hides them about their person, sometimes up their jumpers, inside their big pockets, or, the real giveaway , their oversized shopping bag.
When they are outside the shop and have made no attempt to pay, then , youve guess correctly, you are allowed to arrest them.
Car theft:- here, the criminal will be acting suspiciously by loitering around the vehicle he has earmarked - he will have about his person a long strip of metal and will be forcing it down the window groove and into the door lock, or he may have taken the easy way out and lobbed a large brick at the side window.
He will then get into the car and attempt to drive it away. At this point, it is advisable to stop him - this is done by arresting him.
Sometimes this can lead to a high speed pursuit of the criminal. This is very exciting and is an excuse to call up the helicopter for help. It is also very lucrative as the ensuing film can be sold to the t.v. companies for 30mins of cheap entertainment. At the same time the programme is aired, a Police spokesman can be telling the public how c.c.t.v. cameras are helping to cut crime. The viewing public have so far, not seen the irony in this.
It is rumoured that joining 'equity' is now an obligatory part of becoming a police officer.
A victim: - this person has to be dealt with in a kind and polite manner. They may be traumatised and in shock. In this situation, you must:
(1) react with care, make lots of notes, give the impression that theirs is the most important of crimes, and that it will receive your undivided attention.
(2)Proceed slowly to a little- used desk at the police station. Put everything connected with the incident in a file which you then have to place at the bottom of the big pile in the ‘out’ tray
(3)A secretary can then send a ‘commiserations on becoming a victim of crime’ letter, signed by the Chief Constable him/herself.
The ‘victim’ doesn’t need to be arrested, unless they have tried to protect themselves by having the cheek to try some defensive moves whilst waiting for help from the Police, in which case it will do the statistics no harm at all if you arrest them as well!
What the hell has happened to police training ? or
How well does the average policeman actually know the laws of the land?
as well as:
What other types of criminal behaviour do they need help in spotting‘?
Here are some tips on alcohol abuse and other petty crimes that they are welcome to download in the event that they want to conserve what’s left of tax payers money when it comes to police budgeting.
Drunken Behaviour:- Usually apparent when someone is lying face down, on the pavement, in a pool of his/her own vomit, or swaying wildly whilst flailing his/her tatooed arms about aggressively. It is possible to intervene before all this happens, by going into the bar that they are swaying/lying outside and arresting the person who served them their last drink - it is an offence to serve someone who is swaying, babbling and drooling all at the same time. If the person is only twelve, again, it is possible to arrest the person who served them the alcohol, as it is also an offence to serve someone who is not 18.
Aggressive behaviour :- this is when someone shouts, spits, kicks,or swears at you, for no apparent reason other than that you are wearing a uniform complete with a rather silly helmet. You can arrest them for this. The same applies to teenagers throwing stones at your panda car. When this happens, you are supposed to stop the car, get out and run after them, catch them and yes, arrest them!
Shoplifting :- this is when a person, usually a ‘chav’ a ‘pikey’ or a depressed celebrity, takes items from shop display and hides them about their person, sometimes up their jumpers, inside their big pockets, or, the real giveaway , their oversized shopping bag.
When they are outside the shop and have made no attempt to pay, then , youve guess correctly, you are allowed to arrest them.
Car theft:- here, the criminal will be acting suspiciously by loitering around the vehicle he has earmarked - he will have about his person a long strip of metal and will be forcing it down the window groove and into the door lock, or he may have taken the easy way out and lobbed a large brick at the side window.
He will then get into the car and attempt to drive it away. At this point, it is advisable to stop him - this is done by arresting him.
Sometimes this can lead to a high speed pursuit of the criminal. This is very exciting and is an excuse to call up the helicopter for help. It is also very lucrative as the ensuing film can be sold to the t.v. companies for 30mins of cheap entertainment. At the same time the programme is aired, a Police spokesman can be telling the public how c.c.t.v. cameras are helping to cut crime. The viewing public have so far, not seen the irony in this.
It is rumoured that joining 'equity' is now an obligatory part of becoming a police officer.
A victim: - this person has to be dealt with in a kind and polite manner. They may be traumatised and in shock. In this situation, you must:
(1) react with care, make lots of notes, give the impression that theirs is the most important of crimes, and that it will receive your undivided attention.
(2)Proceed slowly to a little- used desk at the police station. Put everything connected with the incident in a file which you then have to place at the bottom of the big pile in the ‘out’ tray
(3)A secretary can then send a ‘commiserations on becoming a victim of crime’ letter, signed by the Chief Constable him/herself.
The ‘victim’ doesn’t need to be arrested, unless they have tried to protect themselves by having the cheek to try some defensive moves whilst waiting for help from the Police, in which case it will do the statistics no harm at all if you arrest them as well!
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Just Fill In This Form
So………… it all started off with the banks being allowed to give credit ,offer loans and generally throw money with wild abandon at all sorts of people, without paying much attention to their incomes, over a prolonged period of time.
This, of course fuelled a spending spree that made both the end of the Thatcher years and the beginning of the present Labour government look very good.
For some insane reason which makes no sense to anyone outside of the banking industry, having lots of people borrowing money means that the populace are confident - the theory is that if they are borrowing, they must be able to pay back -mustn’t they?
When it became obvious that many were swimming completely out of their depths,the Banks then threw them a lifeline by allowing them to borrow against the equity of their homes.
According to the ads at the time, you could ‘clear all your debts and still have enough to buy ‘this’, with the camera panning to a rather large, brand new saloon car parked in the driveway.
The trouble with that theory, was that once people had cleared the credit cards and put the debt onto the mortgage - ‘into one low monthly payment’- just like Carol Vorderman beseeched them to do - they went shopping!
Like stoned teenagers raiding the fridge when they have the munchies, they embarked on a mad rampage of the high street stores that made Ivana Trump, Paris Hilton and Posh Spice look quite restrained.
If they had been made to rip up the credit cards, it wouldn’t have been as bad, but to do that would mean less revenue for the banks - and, as someone with the brain cell of an amoeba would know, Banks don’t make money from people in credit, they only make money from people in debt .
Now there are companies setting up, looking suspiciously like offshoots of the banks, who are offering to buy the whole house to release what little, if any, equity these people have got left - at current market value of course ! Which as everyone knows is a tad low at the moment.
So……….what’s next? When people have no credit left, cant pay back what they have borrowed and not only don’t own the house any more, but cant pay the rent either, then what?
Where does that leave the economy over the next 5-10 years?
And Gordon Brown is an economist!!allegedly!
This, of course fuelled a spending spree that made both the end of the Thatcher years and the beginning of the present Labour government look very good.
For some insane reason which makes no sense to anyone outside of the banking industry, having lots of people borrowing money means that the populace are confident - the theory is that if they are borrowing, they must be able to pay back -mustn’t they?
When it became obvious that many were swimming completely out of their depths,the Banks then threw them a lifeline by allowing them to borrow against the equity of their homes.
According to the ads at the time, you could ‘clear all your debts and still have enough to buy ‘this’, with the camera panning to a rather large, brand new saloon car parked in the driveway.
The trouble with that theory, was that once people had cleared the credit cards and put the debt onto the mortgage - ‘into one low monthly payment’- just like Carol Vorderman beseeched them to do - they went shopping!
Like stoned teenagers raiding the fridge when they have the munchies, they embarked on a mad rampage of the high street stores that made Ivana Trump, Paris Hilton and Posh Spice look quite restrained.
If they had been made to rip up the credit cards, it wouldn’t have been as bad, but to do that would mean less revenue for the banks - and, as someone with the brain cell of an amoeba would know, Banks don’t make money from people in credit, they only make money from people in debt .
Now there are companies setting up, looking suspiciously like offshoots of the banks, who are offering to buy the whole house to release what little, if any, equity these people have got left - at current market value of course ! Which as everyone knows is a tad low at the moment.
So……….what’s next? When people have no credit left, cant pay back what they have borrowed and not only don’t own the house any more, but cant pay the rent either, then what?
Where does that leave the economy over the next 5-10 years?
And Gordon Brown is an economist!!allegedly!
Friday, 2 November 2007
Who's Got The Biggest Flag!
Oh to be a fly on the wall when the Free World Representative, Ms Rice, appears in front of various heads of governments to explain why she would not like it if Turkey invades Iraq -
What reasons will she give I wonder? How will she justify not wanting another country to do exactly what hers has done?
At least turkey has got a point - the Kurdish rebels are shooting at them after all!
Quite what the real reason for the American invasion was, we can only guess at, although there must be some statistics somewhere to show just how often America has had to invade a country to oust a leader who they themselves have manouvered into power.
How will Ms Rice justify it to herself?
‘we’ve got a bigger flag’??
'our god is better than their god'??
'its OUR oil'!!??
Given that it seems to be widely accepted that George Bush’s dad supplied the gas that was used on the Kurds in the gulf war - it would seem quite reasonable of Turkey to assume, perhaps, that America would be on their side?? Wouldn’t it?
What reasons will she give I wonder? How will she justify not wanting another country to do exactly what hers has done?
At least turkey has got a point - the Kurdish rebels are shooting at them after all!
Quite what the real reason for the American invasion was, we can only guess at, although there must be some statistics somewhere to show just how often America has had to invade a country to oust a leader who they themselves have manouvered into power.
How will Ms Rice justify it to herself?
‘we’ve got a bigger flag’??
'our god is better than their god'??
'its OUR oil'!!??
Given that it seems to be widely accepted that George Bush’s dad supplied the gas that was used on the Kurds in the gulf war - it would seem quite reasonable of Turkey to assume, perhaps, that America would be on their side?? Wouldn’t it?
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Saturday, 27 October 2007
The Chopin Manuscript
The first-ever serialized audiobook, narrated by Alfred Molina.
On sale September 25, 2007—only on Audible.com.
On sale September 25, 2007—only on Audible.com.
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
In A Perfect World: Here Could Be The News Headlines
The police today have had to admit that there are in fact ‘no go' areas in most cities - something that they have denied for some time - and that despite such initiatives as ‘zero tolerance’ and operation ‘softly softly’ in key areas, the fight against crime is being comprehensively lost.
They are asking for extra funding for more helicopters, secretarial personnel, speed and C.C.T.V. cameras, and better conference facilities for their Masonic lodge meetings. Some Chief Constables would like to see mesh barriers on all the panda cars, similar to the shields on army landrovers in 70's belfast, to protect their officers from stone throwing children.
They are coming around to the idea that most ‘initiatives’ and ‘crackdowns’ have little effect long term, and that more consistent policing is needed in all communities . Unfortunately, with most chief constables coming straight to the job from university, and holding degrees in anything ranging from horticulture to media management, the lack of experienced strong leaders is hampering the effort for any real progress.
They are asking for extra funding for more helicopters, secretarial personnel, speed and C.C.T.V. cameras, and better conference facilities for their Masonic lodge meetings. Some Chief Constables would like to see mesh barriers on all the panda cars, similar to the shields on army landrovers in 70's belfast, to protect their officers from stone throwing children.
They are coming around to the idea that most ‘initiatives’ and ‘crackdowns’ have little effect long term, and that more consistent policing is needed in all communities . Unfortunately, with most chief constables coming straight to the job from university, and holding degrees in anything ranging from horticulture to media management, the lack of experienced strong leaders is hampering the effort for any real progress.
Post The First Paragraph Of Your Book On This Site
Give the title, the category under which its written (sci-fi, fiction, crime thriller,etc.,) and an email address where you can be contacted. Good Luck!
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Friday, 28 September 2007
Penelope Skye, Private Eye - by Mae Chapman: category:childrens
MONKEYMAGIC SAID:
In the beginning
Penelope Skye was 6 years old when she decided she wanted to be a cowboy. “Whoops” and “Yee-haas” were heard around the house from under a giant Stetson which once belonged to her uncle John ‘Tex’ Skye.
When she turned 7 however, Penelope Skye wanted to be an air hostess. She liked the white gloves and matching hat. Much more sophisticated than a cowboy, William her best friend in the world said. Visitors to the Skye family home were handed a “drink with their meal” and shown the emergency exits on a number of occasions.
At the grand old age of 8 Penelope Skye knew that her true calling was to be a deep sea diver. Wearing an ancient diving helmet once belonging to her mother’s cousin Robert (the one who was in the navy for an all too brief time before “the incident” in 1947) she would clomp slowly around the house careful not to bump into furniture, her breathing muffled and sounding not dissimilar to Darth Vader.
Aged 9, Penelope Skye swapped her helmet for a long beige mackintosh of her Father’s (sleeves rolled up at the elbows several times over), a pair of her sister’s sunglasses, an old briefcase found in the attic and a hat of her granddad George’s. Thus disguised, Penelope Skye became a Secret Agent.
This latest profession lasted longer than the deep sea diver, not quite as long as the air hostess and around the same duration as the cowboy, but something about it didn’t quite feel right. Almost like she was on the right track but running the wrong way. After discussing it with William her best friend in the world she knew exactly what it was she wanted to be.
02 September 2007 04:01
In the beginning
Penelope Skye was 6 years old when she decided she wanted to be a cowboy. “Whoops” and “Yee-haas” were heard around the house from under a giant Stetson which once belonged to her uncle John ‘Tex’ Skye.
When she turned 7 however, Penelope Skye wanted to be an air hostess. She liked the white gloves and matching hat. Much more sophisticated than a cowboy, William her best friend in the world said. Visitors to the Skye family home were handed a “drink with their meal” and shown the emergency exits on a number of occasions.
At the grand old age of 8 Penelope Skye knew that her true calling was to be a deep sea diver. Wearing an ancient diving helmet once belonging to her mother’s cousin Robert (the one who was in the navy for an all too brief time before “the incident” in 1947) she would clomp slowly around the house careful not to bump into furniture, her breathing muffled and sounding not dissimilar to Darth Vader.
Aged 9, Penelope Skye swapped her helmet for a long beige mackintosh of her Father’s (sleeves rolled up at the elbows several times over), a pair of her sister’s sunglasses, an old briefcase found in the attic and a hat of her granddad George’s. Thus disguised, Penelope Skye became a Secret Agent.
This latest profession lasted longer than the deep sea diver, not quite as long as the air hostess and around the same duration as the cowboy, but something about it didn’t quite feel right. Almost like she was on the right track but running the wrong way. After discussing it with William her best friend in the world she knew exactly what it was she wanted to be.
02 September 2007 04:01
Monday, 24 September 2007
In A Perfect World - Here Could Be The News Headlines
With the sending of European satellites to the moon, comes the subsequent revelation that none of the abandoned space vehicles supposedly left by NASA on the surface after their craft had departed in the 60’s can be found. In light of this, the government of the U.S.A. has had to admit publicly that the moon landings never took place and were filmed in mock-up studio at area 51. The ‘misplacing' of the original film footage by NASA is also cited as a reason for the admission after many years of denial. Conspiracy theorists were 'very pleased', though not surprised’ by the news.
Thursday, 20 September 2007
The Forum - crime/thriller - add the next paragraph, lets produce the first multi-author on-line novel!
They walked slowly on the balls of their feet. They didnt want to attract attention or alert the target. The two of them had been waiting on the upper floor all day for her return, and they had had nowhere to sit. They were fighting boredom and fatigue but like the professionals they were, they had patiently awaited the sound of the footsteps they now heard moving along the hallway outside the target's apartment.
A big part of their job was playing the waiting game and they were very, very good at what they did.
The closing of the door and the lock clicking into place was their signal. They quickened their pace, moving lightly and effeciently as they descended the staircase.
It almost felt like an anticlimax after the long wait.
The first and larger of the two guys threw his shoulder against the door. He was built like rugby playing baboon. He appeared to have no neck because his ears lobes seemed to be attached to his shoulders, which gave the overall impression that his knuckles would scrape on the ground as he walked. The door collapsed like a felled tree, almost immediately. The second guy walked straight in behind his partner - his gun drawn, complete with silencer, and put a small hole straight through the centre of the targets forehead. She still had unspoken words of surprise and outrage forming on her lips as she fell. The shooter then put another round into her chest, more for pleasure than as a safety measure and they both turned and walked out smiling as they went, a job well done.
8 seconds max, death to getaway.
They walked casually back to their patrol car, got in and drove away.
It was only the briefest of starts to a war.
A big part of their job was playing the waiting game and they were very, very good at what they did.
The closing of the door and the lock clicking into place was their signal. They quickened their pace, moving lightly and effeciently as they descended the staircase.
It almost felt like an anticlimax after the long wait.
The first and larger of the two guys threw his shoulder against the door. He was built like rugby playing baboon. He appeared to have no neck because his ears lobes seemed to be attached to his shoulders, which gave the overall impression that his knuckles would scrape on the ground as he walked. The door collapsed like a felled tree, almost immediately. The second guy walked straight in behind his partner - his gun drawn, complete with silencer, and put a small hole straight through the centre of the targets forehead. She still had unspoken words of surprise and outrage forming on her lips as she fell. The shooter then put another round into her chest, more for pleasure than as a safety measure and they both turned and walked out smiling as they went, a job well done.
8 seconds max, death to getaway.
They walked casually back to their patrol car, got in and drove away.
It was only the briefest of starts to a war.
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
this months book review - the accident man by tom cain
This is an interesting idea - taking the death of Princess Diana and hypothesising that the ‘hit’, was organised by a combination of the ‘men in grey’ in Whitehall and the Russians , all of whom with interests in the land- mine industry .
The actual hit man is our hero with a heart (?) who, of course, was unaware of the true identity of the target.
This book has everything - a conspiracy theory, tension , excitement, a love interest, quite a relentless pace, but, a nasty surprise waiting for thriller lovers everywhere.
It waited right until the end to let the hero of the hour crumble under torture and descend into the drooling inmate of a nursing home!
Obviously I am well aware that its not the done thing to reveal the ending of any book, especially in a review, but when the finale is the only critisism that one can find then , what the hell, I just had to tell it like it is.
So Tom Cain, please take note - a hero is supposed to be just that - a hero - someone who can stand up to the baddies , someone who will succeed when all others have failed. Hero’s don’t end up with loss of memory wrapped in a blanket!!!
No, it doesn’t mean that they are human, it means that they are weak and not worthy of the title of ‘hero’ in the first place.
Where would Jack Reacher be if he failed in all his missions and ended up in an institution? Lee Child would be out of a job! Actually, come to think of it,to the avid fan of Childs work, there are definate similarities in the writing of Mr Cain, right?(!)
Still highly recommended though. Apparently this is Tom Cain’s first thriller , and I will be looking out for the next one - maybe i will skip to the last page to see how it ends before it buy it though.
I give it a star rating of *** out of 5.
The actual hit man is our hero with a heart (?) who, of course, was unaware of the true identity of the target.
This book has everything - a conspiracy theory, tension , excitement, a love interest, quite a relentless pace, but, a nasty surprise waiting for thriller lovers everywhere.
It waited right until the end to let the hero of the hour crumble under torture and descend into the drooling inmate of a nursing home!
Obviously I am well aware that its not the done thing to reveal the ending of any book, especially in a review, but when the finale is the only critisism that one can find then , what the hell, I just had to tell it like it is.
So Tom Cain, please take note - a hero is supposed to be just that - a hero - someone who can stand up to the baddies , someone who will succeed when all others have failed. Hero’s don’t end up with loss of memory wrapped in a blanket!!!
No, it doesn’t mean that they are human, it means that they are weak and not worthy of the title of ‘hero’ in the first place.
Where would Jack Reacher be if he failed in all his missions and ended up in an institution? Lee Child would be out of a job! Actually, come to think of it,to the avid fan of Childs work, there are definate similarities in the writing of Mr Cain, right?(!)
Still highly recommended though. Apparently this is Tom Cain’s first thriller , and I will be looking out for the next one - maybe i will skip to the last page to see how it ends before it buy it though.
I give it a star rating of *** out of 5.
Sunday, 19 August 2007
Have you read any good books recently?
Post reviews of books and star rate them out of 5 - just because we cant get published, doesn’t mean we cant slag off all the people who can! ...
Saturday, 18 August 2007
In A Perfect World: Here Could Be The News Headlines
The makers of ‘big brother’ and similar programmes, have admitted that t.v. is indeed being ‘dumbed down’ and that they cant do anything about it because they have neither the money nor expertise to make decent drama any more. When asked about the effect of programmes such as theirs on the teenage population, they declined to comment, but said that they were going to be actively recruiting new staff who are older and have a background in television.
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