Writers Block

For A limited Period Only

The pope has today released details of the Vatican’s end of year special offers.
Presumably in an attempt to halt the decline in attendance figures, all Catholics will be given less time in purgatory as long as they visit the shrine at Lourdes. This is a cunning plan , not least because it will rather cleverly boost the coffers of the Church at the same time.
Watch this space for news of further ‘downgrading’ of other sins, such as getting over friendly with choir boys, beating the wife, alcohol abuse, and waging war on other religions.
No one as yet has questioned whether the Pope has the power to grant this concession, which has hitherto been in the hands of the Almighty.

For The Hard Of Understanding - or, who should I arrest?

The recently produced guidelines for police forces across the country, giving them instructions on how to tell whether a person is drunk or not - beg some questions, not least:
What the hell has happened to police training ? or
How well does the average policeman actually know the laws of the land?
as well as:
What other types of criminal behaviour do they need help in spotting‘?
Here are some tips on alcohol abuse and other petty crimes that they are welcome to download in the event that they want to conserve what’s left of tax payers money when it comes to police budgeting.

Drunken Behaviour:- Usually apparent when someone is lying face down, on the pavement, in a pool of his/her own vomit, or swaying wildly whilst flailing his/her tatooed arms about aggressively. It is possible to intervene before all this happens, by going into the bar that they are swaying/lying outside and arresting the person who served them their last drink - it is an offence to serve someone who is swaying, babbling and drooling all at the same time. If the person is only twelve, again, it is possible to arrest the person who served them the alcohol, as it is also an offence to serve someone who is not 18.

Aggressive behaviour :- this is when someone shouts, spits, kicks,or swears at you, for no apparent reason other than that you are wearing a uniform complete with a rather silly helmet. You can arrest them for this. The same applies to teenagers throwing stones at your panda car. When this happens, you are supposed to stop the car, get out and run after them, catch them and yes, arrest them!

Shoplifting :- this is when a person, usually a ‘chav’ a ‘pikey’ or a depressed celebrity, takes items from shop display and hides them about their person, sometimes up their jumpers, inside their big pockets, or, the real giveaway , their oversized shopping bag.
When they are outside the shop and have made no attempt to pay, then , youve guess correctly, you are allowed to arrest them.

Car theft:- here, the criminal will be acting suspiciously by loitering around the vehicle he has earmarked - he will have about his person a long strip of metal and will be forcing it down the window groove and into the door lock, or he may have taken the easy way out and lobbed a large brick at the side window.
He will then get into the car and attempt to drive it away. At this point, it is advisable to stop him - this is done by arresting him.
Sometimes this can lead to a high speed pursuit of the criminal. This is very exciting and is an excuse to call up the helicopter for help. It is also very lucrative as the ensuing film can be sold to the t.v. companies for 30mins of cheap entertainment. At the same time the programme is aired, a Police spokesman can be telling the public how c.c.t.v. cameras are helping to cut crime. The viewing public have so far, not seen the irony in this.
It is rumoured that joining 'equity' is now an obligatory part of becoming a police officer.

A victim: - this person has to be dealt with in a kind and polite manner. They may be traumatised and in shock. In this situation, you must:
(1) react with care, make lots of notes, give the impression that theirs is the most important of crimes, and that it will receive your undivided attention.
(2)Proceed slowly to a little- used desk at the police station. Put everything connected with the incident in a file which you then have to place at the bottom of the big pile in the ‘out’ tray
(3)A secretary can then send a ‘commiserations on becoming a victim of crime’ letter, signed by the Chief Constable him/herself.
The ‘victim’ doesn’t need to be arrested, unless they have tried to protect themselves by having the cheek to try some defensive moves whilst waiting for help from the Police, in which case it will do the statistics no harm at all if you arrest them as well!

Just Fill In This Form

So………… it all started off with the banks being allowed to give credit ,offer loans and generally throw money with wild abandon at all sorts of people, without paying much attention to their incomes, over a prolonged period of time.
This, of course fuelled a spending spree that made both the end of the Thatcher years and the beginning of the present Labour government look very good.
For some insane reason which makes no sense to anyone outside of the banking industry, having lots of people borrowing money means that the populace are confident - the theory is that if they are borrowing, they must be able to pay back -mustn’t they?
When it became obvious that many were swimming completely out of their depths,the Banks then threw them a lifeline by allowing them to borrow against the equity of their homes.
According to the ads at the time, you could ‘clear all your debts and still have enough to buy ‘this’, with the camera panning to a rather large, brand new saloon car parked in the driveway.
The trouble with that theory, was that once people had cleared the credit cards and put the debt onto the mortgage - ‘into one low monthly payment’- just like Carol Vorderman beseeched them to do - they went shopping!
Like stoned teenagers raiding the fridge when they have the munchies, they embarked on a mad rampage of the high street stores that made Ivana Trump, Paris Hilton and Posh Spice look quite restrained.
If they had been made to rip up the credit cards, it wouldn’t have been as bad, but to do that would mean less revenue for the banks - and, as someone with the brain cell of an amoeba would know, Banks don’t make money from people in credit, they only make money from people in debt .
Now there are companies setting up, looking suspiciously like offshoots of the banks, who are offering to buy the whole house to release what little, if any, equity these people have got left - at current market value of course ! Which as everyone knows is a tad low at the moment.
So……….what’s next? When people have no credit left, cant pay back what they have borrowed and not only don’t own the house any more, but cant pay the rent either, then what?
Where does that leave the economy over the next 5-10 years?
And Gordon Brown is an economist!!allegedly!