For The Hard Of Understanding - or, who should I arrest?

The recently produced guidelines for police forces across the country, giving them instructions on how to tell whether a person is drunk or not - beg some questions, not least:
What the hell has happened to police training ? or
How well does the average policeman actually know the laws of the land?
as well as:
What other types of criminal behaviour do they need help in spotting‘?
Here are some tips on alcohol abuse and other petty crimes that they are welcome to download in the event that they want to conserve what’s left of tax payers money when it comes to police budgeting.

Drunken Behaviour:- Usually apparent when someone is lying face down, on the pavement, in a pool of his/her own vomit, or swaying wildly whilst flailing his/her tatooed arms about aggressively. It is possible to intervene before all this happens, by going into the bar that they are swaying/lying outside and arresting the person who served them their last drink - it is an offence to serve someone who is swaying, babbling and drooling all at the same time. If the person is only twelve, again, it is possible to arrest the person who served them the alcohol, as it is also an offence to serve someone who is not 18.

Aggressive behaviour :- this is when someone shouts, spits, kicks,or swears at you, for no apparent reason other than that you are wearing a uniform complete with a rather silly helmet. You can arrest them for this. The same applies to teenagers throwing stones at your panda car. When this happens, you are supposed to stop the car, get out and run after them, catch them and yes, arrest them!

Shoplifting :- this is when a person, usually a ‘chav’ a ‘pikey’ or a depressed celebrity, takes items from shop display and hides them about their person, sometimes up their jumpers, inside their big pockets, or, the real giveaway , their oversized shopping bag.
When they are outside the shop and have made no attempt to pay, then , youve guess correctly, you are allowed to arrest them.

Car theft:- here, the criminal will be acting suspiciously by loitering around the vehicle he has earmarked - he will have about his person a long strip of metal and will be forcing it down the window groove and into the door lock, or he may have taken the easy way out and lobbed a large brick at the side window.
He will then get into the car and attempt to drive it away. At this point, it is advisable to stop him - this is done by arresting him.
Sometimes this can lead to a high speed pursuit of the criminal. This is very exciting and is an excuse to call up the helicopter for help. It is also very lucrative as the ensuing film can be sold to the t.v. companies for 30mins of cheap entertainment. At the same time the programme is aired, a Police spokesman can be telling the public how c.c.t.v. cameras are helping to cut crime. The viewing public have so far, not seen the irony in this.
It is rumoured that joining 'equity' is now an obligatory part of becoming a police officer.

A victim: - this person has to be dealt with in a kind and polite manner. They may be traumatised and in shock. In this situation, you must:
(1) react with care, make lots of notes, give the impression that theirs is the most important of crimes, and that it will receive your undivided attention.
(2)Proceed slowly to a little- used desk at the police station. Put everything connected with the incident in a file which you then have to place at the bottom of the big pile in the ‘out’ tray
(3)A secretary can then send a ‘commiserations on becoming a victim of crime’ letter, signed by the Chief Constable him/herself.
The ‘victim’ doesn’t need to be arrested, unless they have tried to protect themselves by having the cheek to try some defensive moves whilst waiting for help from the Police, in which case it will do the statistics no harm at all if you arrest them as well!