In A Perfect World: Here Could Be The News Headlines

A results of a recent survey among the population of the UK has given a boost to the B.A.R party.
BAR, (Ban All Religions) which used to be considered very much a minority movement has gained considerable ground in recent years - sufficient to give serious concern to religious groups around the world who have widely condemned it.
The Republican party in America, along with other right wing groups, the NRA , Oil companies and arms dealers across the globe are calling for laws making it illegal to belong to BAR.
The Vatican has been particularly vocal.
In response to a vitriolic attack from the Pope himself, the leader of BAR is quoted as saying: ‘ The catholic church, along with most other religions have historically, got more than their fair share of blood on their hands, and I for one will not take life lessons from a rich bloke in a frock who used to belong to the Nazi party’!
The poll's results also show that while religious leaders are united, for once, in a common hatred of BAR, peace groups, scientists and environmentalists are unanimous in their support of it.
George Bush recently said in an interview, that 'BAR are the biggest threat to life as we know it on this planet’ and is even reported to be lobbying Muslim countries for discussions on how to 'thwart this evil threat'.
American Evangelists along with some Welsh people, have retreated to a secret location to await armageddon which they proclaim, will be on the day, soon in their opinion, that BAR's leaders are elected to positions of power.
Meanwhile, Christian groups in the Uk have called for sanctions to any south american country where the name 'Jesus' is being used not only for children, but dogs and toys.

Business As Usual

The recent discovery of alien life on Mithra 11 in the Calian galaxy has brought with it new dilemmas .
You will remember that these gentle peace loving aliens made themselves known to us when they formally requested an agreement to use earths ‘air space’ whilst travelling to other planets. This has sparked heated debate amongst the worlds dominant governments.
America is refusing to take part in any forum to discuss ownership. As the ‘leader of the free world’ they feel that ownership is a foregone conclusion and have automatically refused any permissions for the use of the space. One of George Bush's last acts as President is rumoured to have been the dispatch of star wars technology to the space station, while at the same time, putting into place the threat that any country trying to hold separate negotiations will have heavy sanctions imposed upon them. There are rumours of the C.I.A. wanting to replace the Mithran leader with the director of NASA. This in turn has sparked a furious row between the Democrat and Republican parties
France and Germany are demanding a UN forum to decide ownership - they both want to make their own claims heard. They are holding separate talks with the Mithrans.
Switzerland is remaining neutral but has offered ‘off world’ banking facilities to the inhabitants of Mithra.
Russia, also already in talks with the aliens, has offered unlimited use of the space in return for technology and Putin has sent pin-up's of himself flyfishing with no clothes on to the Mithran ambassador.
The Italian government has decided to wait until the outcome of all arguments before it makes a decision.
Iran has approached the Mithrans with a request for advanced technology for their 'power station' programme.
Britain is standing shoulder to shoulder with the Americans and Bill Clinton has nominated that Tony Blair should be elected as the first inter-galactic emissary to negotiate for peace with all other planets. Certain Tabloids though, are claiming that Gordon Brown is already doing some negotiating of his own with the Mithran tourist board for holiday accomodation for next Summer's family break.
Israel have commissioned their scientists to work on a 'space barrier' to be erected in the airspace above the Israel/Palestine border and are training a new breed of astronauts who will man it.
Spain was in the middle of a fiesta when the Mithrans first contacted earth 6 months ago and so far seems oblivious to the arguments that are raging worldwide.

Apathy Rules

More than three days of snow, and the whole infrastructure of the UK has ceased to function properly. Councils are running out of salt and grit for the roads, and the only 'ploughing' going on is that of public money into foreign bank accounts - a nice little earner.
Despite having been bailed out to the tune of billions of pounds, the banks continue to pay big bonuses to people who quite clearly are pretty crap at the job, whilst at the same time calling in overdrafts and loans. As a result of which, unemployment is on target to reach record levels - maybe even higher than when the Conservatives were last in.
Meanwhile war and famine rage across the globe, and the most important item on BBC news this week has been whether a 'D' list celebrity will apologise to the Prime Minister for speaking the truth (he does indeed have one eye, he is indeed Scottish, and he is indeed in some people's opinion an idiot). Jeremy Clarkson should have had the courage of his convictions and refused a retraction - whatever happened to freedom of speech?
So............All of this, and any other self respecting country would have taken to the streets armed with very big sticks, and ready to fight with riot police - the most we Brits seem to manage is really working ourselves up into a right state and ending up just more than a little bit grumpy!